"Sure," I said. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. Thankfully it was a soft drink. She was obsessed with an X. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Fumbledore. We've had a lot of puns lately, especially images, ruined before clicking on them when the whole thing was spoiled in the topic line. Data. She simply replied: I'm glad you're getting your shit together. My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. He needed his space. At the job interview, they asked me, Where do you see yourself in five years?. It was in tents. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. Knock knock. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. These jokes are gold, so read 'em!" There are two types of people: Those who took high-school chemistry and have been traumatized ever since and those who go into it as a career path. A little old lady. I went to a smoke shop only to discover itd been replaced by an apparel store. Hotter than shiny, white New Balance sneakers. ", "What did one hat say to the other?" I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didnt have any idea either. Subpoena colada. But its becoming more difficult. Whether you're doing a stand-up routine for your friends or entertaining the kids at home, we've rounded up a collection of dad jokes to keep the laughs coming 24/7, 365. So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Fathers Day caption or dad quote to honor your hilarious pops. This morning, Siri said, Dont call me Shirley. I accidentally left my phone in. This is your Captain speaking. The news was hard for me to hear. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle. Two guys walked into a bar. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late. Click here for more information. They can find everything on the web. Not to brag but I made six figures last year. "A pouch potato! A trumpet. An irrelephant. Last night, my wife was talking about her "late" Aunt Carol, when I finally figured out why. When it doesn't matter how many alarms you set. .css-13y9o4w{display:block;font-family:GraphikBold,GraphikBold-fallback,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-13y9o4w:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-13y9o4w{font-size:1.05rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0.25rem;}}@media(min-width: 40.625rem){.css-13y9o4w{font-size:1.28598rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-13y9o4w{font-size:1.39461rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0.5rem;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-13y9o4w{font-size:1.23488rem;line-height:1.3;}}Padma Lakshmi Poses in 'SI' Thong Bikini Pic, 10 Places in America Every Car Lover Must Visit, Christie Brinkley Has Toned Legs In Pantsless Pic, Salma Hayek Casually Posts Bikini Pic on Instagram, Get This Cordless Vacuum For 73% Off on Amazon, DeWalts Four Tool Combo Kit is 37% Off at Lowes, TikTok's Beloved Stanley Cup is Back in Stock, The Best Wayfair Way Day 2023 Outdoor Deals. Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's the whole sentence. U ready?Me: pic.twitter.com/Q8kNR8PfW0, Posted by Meowingtons onThursday, June 29, 2017, when u set 20 alarms in the morning and sleep through all of them and are late to everything pic.twitter.com/VnbyxQW2fW, matty daddy (@mattjoans) February 28, 2016, A post shared by money games (@moneygames) on Dec 22, 2016 at 11:58am PST, I hate when ur running late & a dark army surrounds your car & you're like oh great now I have to defeat the skeleton king thanks universe, Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 25, 2017, When you hit snooze 80 times and now youve got 3 minutes to leave the house pic.twitter.com/WFHSSKOPNG, (@ericabaguma) March 18, 2016, A post shared by @olsaintdick on Jul 14, 2017 at 6:34pm PDT, A post shared by Bitchy Tweets (@bitchy.tweets), friends: I'm on my wayMe: okay, let me know when you're hereFriend: here, lil razzle dazzle (@_vincentcuhh) March 16, 2017, https://onlytwitterpics.tumblr.com/post/148808015793. Those were Goodyears 2. For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note Im looking forward to seeing you in this thinking this might motivate her. ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? As a result, posts with punchlines in the topic will be removed. Why can't you tell a taco a secret? This is a story about one of my favorite dad jokes. I was talking to my mother and she suddenly turned into YOU! Because they want to be a Smartie. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Both. ", "Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was impossible to put down. . Because then it would be a foot. I tell him to piss off and I go back to bed. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I dont find it cute or romantic. De-coffin-ated. Someone complimented my parking today! What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? But coming to this sub warms my heart. So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. 20+ Jokes About Being Late That Will Drive Punctual People Nuts by Mike Like my grandfather used to say, "If you're not 10 minutes early, you're late." I had punctuality engrained in me from an early age. 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart - Reader's Digest Why didnt the astronaut come home to his wife? You can't cut me down, the tree complains. ", "Where do boats go when they're sick?" What is happening to me?". ", "How do lawyers say goodbye? How does cereal pay its bills? Post must be a pun and must be explained. If youve ever had a father (or currently are one), you dont need me to explain a Dad Joke. ", "What has more letters than the alphabet?" The bushes. Dad jokes are both beloved and despisedlike corny puns, they're funny because they're so not funny. "He neverlands. ", "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. ", "I decided to sell my vacuum cleanerit was just gathering dust! "Why are you late, Johnny?" What do you get from a pampered cow? ", "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness? JK! 106 likes, 5 comments - Studio 614 {art & DIY} (@thestudio614) on Instagram: "Our Natalie is starting a new chapter this month in NYC. ", "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed! What do you call a beehive without an exit? We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. A guy at 7-11 put 23 creams in his coffee and I had to watch him put each one in. We would say it's when. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones' son Dylan Douglas told Page Six this week that his famous father .